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Feel Like You’re Not Being Heard? 3 Things You Can Do

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There are three common situations where people aren’t being heard, which can easily make a person feel both denigrated and disrespected.

Here are three strategies that empower you to claim the power of your voice in these situations, and to ensure that people listen to what you wish to say.

SITUATION #1 – You’re in a conversation with one or more people and someone interrupts you when you are in the middle of talking.

Besides it being disrespectful and ill-mannered, what is so annoying about an interruption? It’s a boundary issue. There you are trying to share something and somebody interrupts you. They’re infringing upon your boundary, your right to say something.

So what do you do?

I’m a big believer in using good manners as a wonderful weapon to counteract a rude interruption.

So you very politely interrupt the interrupter, “I beg your pardon, I haven’t speak finish speaking yet.” or “ I haven’t finished sharing my idea.”

It may also help to kind of put up one of your hands and say, “Just a minute. I haven’t finished speaking yet.”

Tone of voice is very important here. Not snarky, not rude. And don’t wait to do this, because if you let them keep talking, they have gotten away with interrupting you.

SITUATION #2 – You make a suggestion at a meeting and it’s either poo-pooed or shot down or simply not greeted with any enthusiasm.

And sometime later, maybe even at the same meeting (or at the next meeting, a month, two months, or a year later), somebody comes up with the very same suggestion or something similar to the one that you made. And all of a sudden it’s the greatest idea since Swiss cheese, but it was your idea, right?

You’re the one who planted the seed. What do you do?

Again, good manners come to your rescue.

Here’s a wonderful way to call out someone for taking credit for your idea suggestion, without being nasty or snarky about it. “You know, I’m really honored that George picked up on the suggestion I made earlier (or made at our meeting last month). George, I really appreciate that you brought it to everybody’s attention again. That makes me feel really good.”

Once again, tone of voice is really important. And this method lets everybody know in a nice way that it was you who made the suggestion originally. Maybe when you keep doing that, people will start giving you credit where credit is due right from the start.

SITUATION #3 – You’ve taken a major role on a team project. There’s something that has to be done and you’re the basic person who’s done most of the work. Yet when it comes time to present the results and the work, somebody else takes credit.

They stand up and start talking about how their team did all of this. My goodness, that’s really annoying. This is a situation where being proactive is better than trying to set the record straight after the fact. How?

Offer to make notes of any decisions, who is responsible for what and by what time; so that everyone on the team can avoid future confusion and disagreements.

The first benefit is that a written record helps to ensure that everybody is clear about what they’re supposed to do, and by when it is to get done. After you’ve typed up the notes, you share them with everybody who was in the meeting and ask if there are any corrections that need to be made.

If you’re in an organization where you have to answer to a manager or a boss , it may be appropriate to share your notes with that person as well.

So it becomes very clear without you saying word one, who is doing important work in the group. Furthermore, you position yourself as a leader.

And without saying anything out loud, you automatically get credit for what you’ve done because the person that keeps track of everything is a very important person on any project. Besides that, you’re the one that keeps everything moving. Because of these notes, everybody knows who needs to do what, who owns what tasks and what the deadlines are.

This is really crucial because you avoid what I consider among the most useless types of arguments in the world.” He said, she said” arguments. “This is due on the 13th.” “No way. We said it was going to be the 15th.”

Whether it’s the the corporate, the business, or the volunteer world, keeping notes of who’s responsible for what, when stuff is due, and getting everybody to agree that the notes are accurate, is a very effective way to run any organization, any project, any business.

And it’s also a very effective way to ensure that nobody can take credit for your work ever again.

Want to see past Coffee and Coaching Club sessions. Subscribe to my YouTube channel right here.

Communicate Persuasively without Being Salesy

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Let’s take a look at why it’s so easy to be salesy instead of persuasive.

And this is where a true confession comes in because when I first started out in business, I was very salesy.

And why? I really believe in the value of what I’m offering. So I wanted everybody to take advantage of it, right?

The truth is that we sometimes think that everybody needs what we’re offering and we’re excited to share that value with everyone we meet. And so we come across as salesy, pushy, and annoying.

The reality is people don’t like being told what to do. And when we’re salesy, it feels like we’re telling people what to do. And their inner two-year-old comes out and says no, no, no, no, no, no. Just because people may need something we offer, it doesn’t mean they want it. And even if they want it, they may not be interested in getting it right now.

So there you are. You have a wonderful product and give wonderful service. The question is how can you avoid being salesy and be more persuasive instead? Here are three crucial guidelines for you to consider.

Guideline number one is that everything is based on relationship. And that’s because people want to do business with people they know, like, and trust. So you focus on building relationships. A good way to do that is to invite somebody out for coffee so you can get to know each other. Or if that isn’t geographically possible, invite that person for a virtual coffee online or on the phone.

The second guideline is from the author and poet Maya Angelou, who stated that people won’t remember what you said or did; but they will remember how you made them feel. If you make people feel badly, they won’t want to do business with you. They won’t want to have a personal relationship with you. The goal is to make people feel happy and delighted to be with you, not the opposite.

The third the guideline is Zig Ziglar’s famous quote. You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.

These three guidelines sound wonderful, but how do you apply them? What kind of strategies can you employ to become more persuasive?

Strategy number one is to ask relationship building questions. Here are some samples. “Can you tell me a little bit about yourself? Are you originally from here?” Conduct a chit chat, getting to know you, kind of conversation.

Then here’s a nice transition to business questions. What inspired you to meet with me today? If you’ve set up a meeting with somebody, that person obviously had a reason for wanting to meet with you; so when you ask this question, you can get a good idea of where that person is in terms of what you have to offer.

So strategy number two is to ask business questions, some of which relate to your product or service. Not sure what to ask? Here’s a good question that applies to any business: What do you see as your biggest challenge going forward in your business in (the area you serve)? Get really clear on what their issue is before you jump in with both feet and stomp all over the conversation, telling them what you’re going to do for them when it may not even fit what they want or need.

The third strategy is the most important strategy of all to apply throughout any conversation. Be a good listener. It has been said that God gave us two ears and one mouth and we should use them proportionally. This means that in any conversation, we should be listening at least twice as much as we are speaking.

Listening carefully allows you to find out what the problem is, how badly they feel about it, how much it’s costing them, and how desperately they want to fix it. Only then can you decide whether or not what you offer is a good fit. These questions also help the people with whom you are talking get really clear on how badly they need your help.

Pay careful attention to the words people use to describe their problems and challenges. That gives you clues about whether or not you can help relieve that pain and help them with their challenges and their goals.

The obvious reason to listen so carefully is to find out whether or not you’re the right person to help them with their challenge and get the solution that they want.

But there’s another less obvious reason to really pay careful attention to the words people use to describe their problems and their desires. Their language is your free cheat sheet for effectively communicating the value of what you offer in the language that resonates with your ideal audience.

When you speak in that language, they recognize themselves and think to themselves, Oh, that’s me. She’s talking about me. She really gets me.

So pay attention to the language you hear people use, because that language is the language that will result in you attracting new clients, new business, and new income.

In case you missed it, to see the first video in the Coffee and Coaching Club series, click here.

Speak with Authority without Being a Jerk

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One of the communication concerns clients have shared with me is about being able to come across as an expert in their field without turning people off.

In other words, they want to be able to speak with authority without sounding like a jerk.

This is the topic of the first online meeting of my new Coffee and Coaching Club.

Since there are unfortunately many ways of expressing oneself less effectively than one would like, I had to pick the three most unfortunate examples I could think of, and then provide strategies for avoiding those pitfalls.

Here are 3 types of totally avoidable communication styles:

  1. Disorganized Speakers – They don’t have good organizational skills and they don’t get the help they need in order to be organized. Their message wanders all over the place; and in order to cover everything they really want to talk about, they tend to go way over time. And worst of all, they waste everybody else’s time as well.
  2. Braggarts – They bore everyone with the list of their accomplishments. And then I did this and then I did that and then I got this award, then I got that award. They come across as self-centered narcissists who enjoy showing off. And worst of all, of course, it how very boring and annoying it is to hear somebody go through a whole list of their accomplishments as they try to establish their authority and expert status.
  3. Despots – They boss everyone around to do this, do that. They don’t want to hear anyone else’s ideas. Only their ideas are good ideas. And these types of people have to be right even when they’re wrong. Facts don’t matter. Other people’s ideas aren’t kosher; and they are really annoying, especially if they are in charge of a committee, program or department.

For each of these types of unfortunate behaviors, I provide an antidote:

  1. If your organizational skills aren’t stellar – Here’s my advice: Get really clear on the message you want to share. If you are giving a presentation, organize your points so that they make sense. And three is a good number. Learn the basic template for effective presentations and follow it to the letter.
  2. To share your glory without sounding like a braggart – Let other people introduce you and say how great you are. This is where a prepared introduction that you hand to the presenter comes in really handy; because you can include in it some of the wonderful things you’ve done and accomplished, awards you’ve gotten and so forth. In other words, let someone else do the bragging about you while you stand there smiling modestly.
  3. When you’re the person in charge – When you’re working as part of a group of people, think about being a team leader instead of a boss. Speak in terms of suggestions and ideas and invite other people to share ideas and make suggestions. Solicit other people’s ideas and opinions; and even if they differ from your own (perhaps especially if they differ from your own), be willing to respect them and be willing to acknowledge that you might possibly not know all the right answers.

I’d love for you to join us in real time so that you can pose questions right during the program. We meet the first and third Tuesdays of the month, at noon ET / 11 am CT / and 9 am PT.

The rule of the sessions is no selling, just sharing. Get your free access to any of the live sessions at CoffeeandCoaching.Club.

3 Tips for Handling Public Speaking Goofs

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Composite image of businesswoman burying her headIn my last blog post on 3 Tips on Over-Coming Your Fear of Public Speaking, I briefly alluded to the fact that well-handled goof-ups can make your remarks even more powerful and memorable.

But, you are probably thinking, that is easier said than done. In the heat of the moment, one can sometimes freeze, like a deer in headlights. We wonder how the heck to dig ourselves out of that particular verbal hole in the ground (where we might actually want to sink, if it were possible).

Having dug a few verbal holes in the ground for myself over the years, I would like to share with you some strategies you might find helpful.

FIRST: Forgive yourself (preferably in advance) for being human

That’s a pretty big stretch for some of us, especially those of us who are perfectionists (guilty as charged). The sad truth is that none of us is perfect; and the happy truth is that everyone in your audience knows it.

People are usually a lot less shocked by a speaker goofing up than the speaker is about having done it. Therefore, if you then carry on after the goof; people are actually relieved for you, and even more relieved that you are up there instead of them.

SECOND: Use a physical gesture to acknowledge the goof

It is in no way necessary to verbally apologize for a goof; unless, of course, you inadvertently insult someone or use inappropriate language. A simple shrug of the shoulders, along with a quizzical I can’t believe I said that expression on your face, is all you may need to do before continuing on with your message.

THIRD: If possible, incorporate the goof into your speech

If you can actually come up with some way, particularly a humorous way, to include the goof in your remarks; for example, if you can relate it to some point you wish to make, your speech will become much more memorable than it would have been otherwise.

The four unadvertised bonuses of public speaking goofs, if you can learn to handle them well, are that:

(1) Knowing you don’t have to do it perfectly to do it well, you will become much more comfortable giving speeches;

(2) People will tend to pay better attention after you have goofed;

(3) You will more effectively impress your audience with your expertise and knowledge of the subject (not to mention your unflappable demeanor); and

(4) You will become much more relatable to your audience as a person, and thus more likely to accomplish the goals you set for yourself in giving the speech in the first place.

I would love to know if any of these suggestions help you feel a little more comfortable about the prospect of putting yourself out there and giving a speech.

In case you missed my prior blog on overcoming your public speaking fears, click here.

3 Tips on How to Get Over Fear of Public Speaking

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Blog post # 6 FearIs your fear of public speaking holding you back from sharing your gifts with the world and reaching your business or career goals?

If so, you are certainly not alone! On various lists of fears, public speaking is often listed as number 1, ahead of the 3 frightening occurrences as death, divorce or disease.

No matter what business or organization you are in, sooner or later you are going to have to speak in front of people; whether it’s in front of people at a small meeting, making a presentation to potential clients, or introducing a new product in front of a large crowd.

People who cannot get up and speak with some degree of comfort and confidence in front of other people are often prevented from using their gifts to best advantage, both in business and in other parts of their lives.

Following are three simple tips on how to get over fear of public speaking. They can help you wrestle that particular fear right down to the ground, or at least to a manageable level.

ONE: Change the movies you are running in your mind.

When we are afraid of something, we tend to run horror movies in our mind. We see ourselves arriving late, losing our notes, forgetting our glasses, tripping on the way up to the podium, getting an instant case of laryngitis, having a lightning bolt come through the roof and striking us senseless on the floor.

No wonder we are afraid of public speaking when we are running movies in our mind that scare us senseless.

Change the movies in your mind to ones where everything goes smoothly. You are well prepared, arrive early, have all your notes and materials in order, walk up to the podium with confidence, deliver your remarks with conviction and ease, and handle any goof-ups with humor and a relaxed manner. (Speech-making secret: Well handled goof-ups not only make your remarks more powerful and memorable, they make you far more relatable.)

TWO: Breathe.

Huh, you’re thinking, “Of course I breathe.” I’m sure that you do; but when we get nervous, we tend to take shallow breaths, which in turn make us even more nervous.

Instead, when you start feeling nervous, focus on breathing in deeply for several counts, and then breathing out slowly for several more counts.

Focusing on breathing slowly and deeply not only helps to calm your nervous system; it also helps to take your mind off any last minute horror movies that might dare to pop up.

The sports version of this hint can be found in Timothy Gallway’s book, The Inner Game of Tennis, published in 1997. He was the first person to popularize the concept of using your breath to help you focus on successfully completing a task, in his case, becoming a top-level tennis player.

THREE: Use the nervous energy you feel to give vitality and enthusiasm to your speech.

Everyone feels some nervous energy before performing (and speaking is definitely performing); so do what all the best performers do.

Use that nervous energy to enliven your remarks so that you can easily keep the interest of your audience, and thus meet the goals you have set for that particular speech.

For some hints on how to handle speaking goofs, click here.

Do You Know the #3 Worst Possible Communication Mistake When You’re Marketing Yourself??

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If not making it easy (or even possible) for people to contact you is the #1 worst communication mistake when you’re marketing yourself, and not making it easy (and possible) for you to contact potential clients or customers is the #2 worst communication mistake, then what could the #3 worst possible communication mistake be?

Allow me to ask you what might turn out to be some painful questions.

When you get back home or to your office after an event with business cards from potential clients or customers in your pocket or purse, what do you do with them?

  • Do you note the date and place when and where you met each person?
  • Do you write any notes to give you a clue what to say to that person in order to further build the relationship?
  • Do you follow up with the people you met in a timely manner?
  • Or do the cards end up in your probably never pile, unlikely ever to be touched again until you finally decide to throw them out?

So, as you may have already guessed, the #3 worst possible communication mistake when you’re marketing yourself is not to follow up with people you meet, some of whom may well have the potential to become your very best clients or customers.

These days, there are many ways to follow up. Have some fun experimenting and then choosing the one(s) that work best with your desired audience. These methods can include:

  • Invitations to connect on social media, including LinkedIn, Facebook, etc. (depending on where your people like to gather)
  • Phone calls inviting people to continue the conversation with a virtual or actual coffee date
  • Handwritten notes acknowledging that you are glad to have met them
  • Video emails, using platforms such as mailvu.com

All three marketing mistakes are examples of letting opportunities slip through the cracks.

I invite you to take a look at your modus operandi and check out where you need to upgrade your systems; so that you can enjoy the benefits of successfully connecting with your ideal clients and customers.

Both you and your bottom line will be a lot cheerier if you do.

In case you missed the prior communication mistake in this series, you can find it here.